My obsession

I have a new obsession. Last week I spent the entire week reading the Twilight saga and I am totally blown away! I have never had any book(s) effect me the way these have. They opened up a lot of feelings that I didn't realize I still had, or maybe ever had. The books are such a lovely story of love and devotion. It is amazing to me how these books are targeted for young adults and so many of us grown women are totally gaga over them. That just goes to show how wonderful a writer Stephenie Meyer is.

Now that I have finished the saga I am truly devastated. I have sat here for several days trying to get interested in my TV shows I have on my DVR or picking up another book, but I'm just not interested. I'm still chewing over all of the happenings in those books. I am going to begin a re-read this weekend. I think I read them so fast the first time around that I missed a lot of things. I have joined a couple of sites for adults who love the saga and am so excited about that! Others who share my enthusiasm for the series.

I am also totally gaga over Robert Pattinson when he is looking all Edward like. Wooohoooo boy! He is seven years younger then me, but I don't give a damn. LOL I told my hubby the other day that if Edward Cullen ever comes knocking on my door it's bye bye honey. Every woman needs an Edward Cullen. Oh yeah.

Twilight and and evening in the ER

I have literally been "bitten" by the "Twilight" frenzy now! When I first became aware of the series I thought, "What in the world could all the fuss be about?! Especially about a fictional vampire." Holy. Mother. Of. God. NOW I get it! I am completely and totally in love with a fictional vampire. Where in the hell are the real men that are half as good as Edward?! Yes, I am married and I love my husband, but Edward doesn't hold a candle to him in the romance department. (Sorry, honey. You know it's true!)

I actually started reading the book a couple of weeks ago and was a bit unsure about it. The first couple of chapters didn't really grab me. I kept at it though and am soooo glad I did! It didn't actually take me the two weeks to read it once it got me sucked in, but I had a couple of things come up between the time I read the first couple of chapters and when I was able to sit down and devour the rest. Now I am almost halfway through "New Moon." (I started it yesterday.) I am not liking it quite as much, yet, because of the beginning between Edward and Bella. (If you've read it, you know what I'm talking about.) I am needing more Edward!

Now, on to our excitement of the ER visit......

Tuesday evenings my kiddo usually goes to visit her Nana and Papaw for a few hours. Last night was no exception. Papaw picked her up from MDO and all was well. I went to Hendersonville with Aunt Z to pay a bill of hers and just as we walked into Target my dad called and said kiddo wanted to come home right then because there was a slight accident. My heart skipped a beat and I, of course, asked what the problem was. I could tell my dad was pretty upset because his voice was a bit shaky. He explained that they had been coming across the field from his shop with him drving his Club Car and kiddo walking. She didn't want to ride, like usual, she wanted to walk the whole way. Well, somehow she ended up tripping and he accidentally ran over her foot with the Club Car! He was devestated. We decided to meet at the nearest ER to have her foot x-rayed.

When we arrived at the ER we checked in and they advised it would be a bit before she could go back because a couple of ambulances had arrived. No big deal. We were there about an hour before she was seen by a nurse and then probably an hour more before the doctor saw her. They x-rayed her foot and it was only bruised on the inside, no broken bones. Thank goodness! However, we did end up spending four hours of our day in the hospital to be told that. I don't really understand why it always takes so long in the ER.

My dad still feels so bad about the whole thing. He took kiddo to lunch and to see "Hotel For Dogs" today. I think they will both heal just fine!

Dancing in the dark

This weeks Small Talk Six is:

6 songs that you love to dance to when no one is looking.

1. Dancing Queen by ABBA.
I positively adore this song! It makes me happy and not able to sit/stand still when it comes on.

2. YMCA by The Village People
How can anyone possibly resist dancing to this song?

3. Love Train by The O'Jays
This song is so much fun! Anytime I'm in a bad mood all I have to do is hear the opening notes of this song and I'm instantly happy.

4. Abracadabra by The Steve Miller Band
The music is so cool in this song. Makes my big 'ole bootie move!

5. Butterfly by Crazy Town
Hhhmmmm, not pulled out that CD in a while. I think I need to do that!

6. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins
His voice "melts my butter" and I got enough badonkadonk to shake, so might as well!


As one can tell with the first four in the list, I listen to a LOT of 70's stuff. Mostly when I am cleaning house. That seems to be when I'm inspired to shake my groove thing! So, I turn on my SIRIUS Satellite Radio and rock on.

Want to see what others said? Go here http://www.momdot.com/small-talk-six-getting-your-groove-on/

Happy Sunday, y'all!

My map?

Where the hell is the other half of my map? Ah well, I'm tired. I won't worry about it now. Basically, on the other side of the map I've been everywhere but VT and SC. Woohooo!!!

My world

So, tonight as I was catching up on my DVR'ed American Idol episodes I ran upon this cool website, http://www.world66.com. You can check off each state you have been to and it will color those states in red.

Here is my world:


create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide


I was actually very shocked when I saw my map filled up. I knew I had been to a ton of places, but wow! I have been very fortunate to have been given the opportunity as a child, and an adult, to travel around the U.S. I have so many places here that I absolutely adore. Jackson Hole, WY, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City, Montana, Mt. Rushmore, The Badlands. The list could go on and on.

I hope to be able to give my daughter the opportunities at travel that I had growing up. My daddy took us on the best vacations ever. I hope I inherited some of that!

Now I need to start traveling outside of the U.S. to start filling up a country map. My fear and hatred of flying though may make that almost impossible for me. Luckily most of my travel here in the U.S. has been some kick ass road trips!

Tearful Tuesday at MDO dropoff

So, lately drop off for MDO (mother's day out) has been a little hard. Today was the first time she's actually cried though since the first of the year. Kiddo has never really loved the thought of going to MDO on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but once she gets there she has had a great time. It seems to be that way with a lot of kids.

Anyway, this year, her last year in MDO before kindergarten, has been a bit hard on her. She's not really good with change and we've had a lot of them this year. Her teacher has changed now three times. No, not because the school is bad or the teachers are shitty, we have just been delt a bit of a different hand. Her initial teacher she really, really liked. However, she left at Christmas break to go back to a full time teaching job. A mom of one of the little girls in her class then came in after Christmas to be the new teacher, but she would eventually need a six week break when she delivered her baby. Well, she wasn't there but maybe three times and started having blood pressure trouble so they had to deliver her early. So, now we are on teacher number three, but only for six weeks until second teacher comes back. Whew, confused yet?

The last couple of times I have dropped kiddo off she has been a bit sad, but never cried. Just gave me an extra tight hug and a good, big kiss. This morning, the tears finally came. It just broke my heart. She clung to me and told me she would just miss me so much. She just HAD to go home! We went through the normal, "You'll be okay, you'll have fun, you'll do lots of cool things today" spill and none of it seemed to work. A little boy in her class came up and told her, "D, you can't leave today. I would miss you if you went home!" He then tried to entertain her with hopping on one foot. She was having none of it.

Finally, after about five minutes, she calmed down a bit and I tried to tell her goodbye. She then informed me I could not leave until her tears had stopped. She was embarrassed! Of course, at the decible she was wailing there for a bit, no wonder she was embarrassed. LOL She then calmed down and had a great day at school.

However, I came home feeling like the shitty mean mom for making her heartbroken kid stay at MDO. I tried to tell myself (and I've told her this before as well) that when she goes to kindergarten she will have to go everyday no matter if she wants to or not. We don't really have a choice. We'll see how well that goes!

Oh, on an aside note, I'm finally getting into "Twilight." I think I'm finally going to understand what all the fuss is about. Wooohooo!!!!

"The tooth fairy took it!"

So, today kiddo and I go to visit my grandma (Gran Gran to kiddo). Shortly after we arrived my Aunt L arrived with my cousin S's little girl, K, and then my cousin J rolled in with her little girl, A. We were all sitting around chatting and having a great time when all of the kids decide to go back to Gran Gran's bedroom. Well, this makes Gran Gran very nervous because the last time they were back there, it wasn't pretty. So, my cousin J goes to check on them and all is truly well.

About ten minutes later K comes running into the kitchen with Gran Gran's flashlight that stays beside her bed. At this point something dawns on her that she is missing her small flashlight that goes under her pillow. (Don't ask. I have no clue.) So, she rounds up all three kids and starts quizzing them to see if they know where the small flashlight is. My kiddo says, "Nope, Gran Gran. I didn't bother it." K, who is only two, mutters, "No, no, no, no Gran Gran!" Then we come to A. She looks at Gran Gran square in the eye and said, "Gran Gran, we didn't bother it. The tooth fairy took it!"

A is only four. How she knows about a tooth fairy, none of us have a clue. However, she seems to take a lot of things, so if you ever lose something, just wait for the tooth fairy. She took it!

High school drama

*Disclaimer* Please note that in this post I am going to seem just as much "high school drama" as what I am about to bitch about, but this has been bottled up for a long time. I apologize and please realize, this is not usually my style.

In this post we are going to refer to my former friends as "Bimbo" and "Jiggly."

In high school I had a very tight circle of friends. We just did our own thing and didn't bother anyone else and no one bothered us. One in particular, Bimbo, had been my very best friend since the 6th grade. In high school "Jiggly" entered into the mix. I really thought that Bimbo and I would be friends for life. However, fate had other plans. Both of us got boyfriends, which would generally be no big deal, but mine ended up causing a strain in mine and Bimbo's friendship. To the point that after graduation, we no longer spoke. Jiggly had kind of taken up her spot as my "best friend."

Now, Jiggly and I were not as close as Bimbo and I had been, and never would be, even if this friendship had lasted. Jiggly truly got on my nerves. She was loud and opinionated and thought she was "the shit." However, she was fun to have around on occasions and what not.

Anyway, fast-forward a few years and Bimbo and I had worked out our differences, my boyfriend that had caused the rift was now my ex-husband, and I thought that things would be good again. Sometime in that few years Bimbo and Jiggly had gotten in contact again and had already been working on their friendship as well. This caused us all to have a different dynamic with each other then before, and mine and Bimbos friendship would never truly heal. At least, I see that now in hindsight. Jiggly and I didn't really have a strong friendship history to work out, so we just kind of picked up and went on.

A couple of years ago after some pretty unpleasant things happened to me (not at Bimbo and Jiggly's hands) I started to really take stock in who I wanted to have in my life and who I did not. After several months of consideration, I decided it was time to just cut the cord all together with Bimbo and Jiggly. Even though both of them had kids, one was married and one was divorced, they had never really got out of the "high school drama" state of mind. They still had to talk to each other on the phone multiple times a day, and half the time it was about stupid stuff. For example, what they were wearing that day, what they had for breakfast, the latest gossip, etc. They expected me to spend this much time on the phone with them as well. Uh, no. Not happening. I have a life. A husband, a child, and real issues to deal with. Also, Bimbo was divorced and back in the dating pool and that was causing some major strain in mine and hubby's marriage. When Bimbo would come into town she would expect me and Jiggly to go out with her to the clubs and what not so she could find a guy. It should be stated that Bimbo is EXTREMELY low on self esteem and has to have a boyfriend at all times or else she feels like she's no good. She is constantly asking how she looks, etc. It's sad really.

Anyway, back on track here. I just cut the tie. They seemingly got pissed because there was a nasty post on MySpace about me, but whatever. Again, I had moved on past that kind of thing. Well, it has come to my attention, through the grapevine, that they are still poking fun at me a good year and a half after I cut my ties! How extremely pathetic is that? Really. It just goes to show that I was right and they will never grow up. After I had cut my tie with them, I just let them dissipate into my past. Didn't think much about them or anything. I could see how much happier I have been with new friends in my life and didn't have time to dwell on them.

So, why blog about this? I really don't know. I have no idea what point I'm trying to make. I guess it was just what I said, they will never grow up.

Jiggly will forever be the extremely large, loud mouthed, opinionated, bully she ever was. She will always think her opinion is the only one that matters, or is correct. She will always have to duplicate everything that Bimbo does in order to feel cool and in style. (At least, as much as a size 24 girl can copy a size 4 girls style.) She will always have to be on the phone with Bimbo multiple times a day talking about stupid shit and/or gossip that she probably only knows less then half the truth of.

Bimbo will always be the self absorbed, self conscience, bleached blond, fake boobed, temper tantrum girl she ever was. She will forever be marrying and divorcing the poor schmucks who fall for her and taking what she can from them. She will always be talking on the phone with Jiggly about the same stupid shit. Nothing she ever has will be good enough. She will always be on the hunt for something bigger and better. She will always be in a plastic surgeons office so she can be desirable to the opposite sex.

The most important thing will be that they will always be talking about or making fun of me! Who knew that little ole me would be worthy of such long time gossip? If I could say one thing to them, it would be, "Ladies, we all turn 30 this year. It's time to grow up and quit acting like you're still in high school. It's really unbecoming and you look like losers."

Now, with all that has been said, let me just make clear that I am for sure no paragon of adult behavior. I never said I was. I enjoy going out and having a good time, I can act immature with the best of people. However, there has to be a time to leave gossip and backstabbing behind. Some of us just have no learned that yet.

Good times, y'all.

A day at the zoo

Today was a gorgeous day in Nashville! The sun was out and the temp was actually warm enough you could wear capri's and a light jacket. At the zoo they were having "Zooperbowl Sunday" in honor of the superbowl. Admission was only half price. Frankly, half price is all the Nashville Zoo is worth, unfortunately. None the less, my daughter loves it!

So, hub, kiddo, Nana, Papaw, and I head into town to have our day at the zoo. It was so much fun! Kiddo was the most amazed over the size of the elephant poop. We just so happened to walk up when one of the lovely ladies was in the middle of a poop. My daughter was fascinated. She then had to have her Papaw point out all of the piles of poop he could find. What exactly does this say about my daughter?

After we left the zoo, we headed over to The Spaghetti Factory for dinner. Yuuummm!!! It was so good. We had never taken kiddo there before and she loved it.

All in all it was a good day to take my mind off of the event of two Sunday's ago.

Twilight and NKOTB

I have finally made the plunge. I have jumped onto the "Twilight" bandwagon! Better late then never, I guess. I must say, I am only a few pages into it and I'm not impressed yet. In fact, a little disappointed. I hope it picks up soon. I try to give a book a good five chapters before I give up. We shall see.

While I'm in teeny bopper land, I might as well admit that I'm so excited because New Kids is coming to Nashville in March and the tickets went on sale today! I so want to go. I mean, bad. Yes, it makes me sound like a total loser I'm sure. I don't care though. I am turning 30 in less then a month and I need to feel young. LOL

Maybe I should tell hubby I want the rest of the "Twilight" series and New Kids tickets for my birthday. Hhhmmm.....

What a day

Thursday is my normal day to clean my Aunt Z's house. She shared a house with my Granny and Pappy. Today was the first time we've been back in the "normal" routine since Granny passed. It was awful. I walked into the house and it was so empty. I was expecting to see Granny when I walked in the back door sitting in her chair, like normal. Just two Thursdays ago (the last time I cleaned), she was there. Now, nothing. I was used to having her there for short conversations between tasks, but it was just silent. When 11:30 rolled around and it was time for Y&R, I expected the TV to be blasting with the latest story of Genoa City. Instead, it was silent. When she would blast the TV, I would sometimes be annoyed. Today I would have given anything to hear the TV at a level you could hear on the moon and have her sitting there half asleep.

I don't know how I am ever going to accept the fact that I can no longer see her. Hear her voice. I talk to her all the time, but of course it's not the same. I know it's selfish to want her back, and I don't want her back in the condition she was in. However, I would love to have her back as the Granny from my childhood. I was the apple of her eye. To her, I hung the moon. I'll never have that with anyone else. I wouldn't want it with anyone else.

They say time is a healer. I can't imagine that is going to be the case with me.

She has no ears and more random thoughts

~Just exactly when do children grow ears? I am beginning to think that when God was handing out ears my daughter missed the memo. She is only four and apparently this gets worse the older she will get. I repeat myself until I am blue in the face and it does no good. I say the same things day in and day out. I need to just record myself and put it on a constant loop. It would be about as affective. Please, someone, tell me there is hope.

~Yesterday I went to see "Revolutionary Road." I absolutely adore Leo DiCaprio and I loved him and Kate Winslet together in "Titanic." They were just as good together in this movie, but I wasn't all that crazy about the movie itself.

~Can't wait to put kiddo to bed and watch "Real Housewives of Orange County." I am shamelessly addicted to this show.

~I need to catch up on my DVR'd episodes of "American Idol." I'm missing the best part of the whole show, the auditions!

~In less then a month I will be 30 years old. How is that even possible? Where did the last 30 years go? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting in high school wishing I were anywhere but there. Now, sometimes, I would give almost anything to be back there and not realize what "real life" is like.

~Yesterday was Granny and Pappy's 63rd wedding anniversary. They were together for their anniversary last year, then Pappy died, and now Granny is with him so they never missed an anniversary together.

~I fixed some damn good chili for dinner tonight. I am going to pay for it later with heartburn. Good times.

Random thoughts

~It has now been officially a week since I lost my Granny. It has all been a blur. I have no idea where the time went. All last week it was so cold and snowy, except for Friday. The day of the funeral it warmed up to almost 60 and the sun was shinning so brightly. I tend to believe that was just for Granny. She loved the sunshine so much and craved warmth. She was so cold for the last few months of her life. Never could get warm.

~I really wish I could make some sense on my thoughts/beliefs of the hereafter. I was raised to believe in Jesus, God, heaven, hell and the whole lot. As I have gotten older I have questioned more and more. I am now married to a devout Atheist (if there is such a thing as a devout Atheist) and he has shed more light on other possibilities. Since losing so many people in the last nine months I really want to believe there is more out there then just living and then laying in the ground for eternity, but I don't know. My Granny was very religious and did not even question the fact there is a God. I would give anything for that type of faith. She wanted me to have that type of faith, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why. I guess because religion leaves so many holes and no answers. If there isn't an answer to a question, you are just supposed to leave it to "faith."

~I have now been out of my "mood" meds for over two weeks and the effects are showing. I have been so bitchy to everyone. Add to that the events of the last week, and I'm about to snap. I am going to get them refilled tomorrow and luckily I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, so I am going to talk with him about the situation and how I've been feeling. I sure hope he can help.

~My mom went back to MA today. My Aunt P left for her home in IN yesterday. Tonight is Aunt Z's first night alone in her house in years. She has selflessly taken care of my grandparents for the last ten years and I'm not sure she remembers how to live life for herself. I worry about her being there by herself. Not because I think she can't take care of herself, just because of the sudden change.

~Hubs dad and step-mom sent me a lovely sympathy card after losing my Granny. I just adore his dad and step-mom, but the rest of his family is awful. (Even he will admit to that.) His grandparents sent me such a hurtful email when I let them know my Granny had passed on. I hope he will take up for me and answer them, but I'm not coutning on it.

~Tomorrow I have to go to Aunt Z's and pick up the stuff I want of Granny's. Well, some of it. Basically just a floral arrangement from the funeral, a couple of pictures, and things of that nature. Anything else I'll leave for now. I just can't bring myself to get other things and let the finality of it hit me.

I think I should be worried

This evening I went out shopping with my kiddo, mom, and Aunt Z. We went through the craft store and I oogled everything that was in the scrapbook and jewelry section, of course. I even made a few purchases I'm very excited about and can't wait to use! Anyway, as we are leaving kiddo spies "the breadstick place" (a.k.a The Olive Garden, for all of you not in the know) and wants to eat dinner. After a 45 minute wait for a table, we are seated.

Hubs had to work today, so he decided to come and meet us. Kiddo has a special stuffed tiger that she takes everywhere and today she also happened to take her Tender Heart Care Bear with her. She decided to take him in the restaurant with us. As soon as the waiter takes our order, kiddo unrolls her silverware, puts her napkin on the table and proceeds to tell Tender Heart, "You are dead meat" and begins to saw his various body parts. Now, the knife she is using is simply what I call a butter knife, so it is not sharp and not actually cutting anything. However, it was just weird. I have no idea where she would see/hear this kind of thing! I did have to laugh though because there was a little girl sitting across from us who was probably 10 or 11 and she could not stop staring at my kiddo while this was going on. Her eyes were big as saucers! I think she was truly terrified of my little munchkin.

After a really tough week, I needed a good laugh and I got it this evening!

It's done

I cannot believe this day has come and gone. My Granny is now completely gone. I will never get to see her physical body again. Never get to give her hugs, give her a kiss, or just sit with her again. What in the world am I going to do without her? I am hurting so badly. I hurt when I lost Pappy, no question, but Granny and I had such a deep bond. I feel like the biggest part of me is gone and all that is left is a gaping hole.

I was so hurt by the two of my cousins that came from IN for the funeral. We postponed the funeral for five days so they could get here and see her and then we would have the funeral. They were too worried about their kids missing school. Grrr. Major issue for me, but whatever. Well, we had visitation last night until 9 p.m. They arrived here between 8:30 and 9, but decided not to come and view the body last night. They just got their families to the hotel and that was that. To me, that showed so much disrespect to Granny. We waited for five flipping day to bury her and you can't come that night and view the body for five minutes?! Are you kidding me?! I guess I should be greatful they showed up for the funeral, but good grief. I have to say that I was so pissed when I got the the funeral home this morning I had no intention on speaking to them. However, as the time got closer to the funeral time I had no fight in me. I just spoke if spoken to, but that was about it. I will never forget though that they couldn't be bothered to come and see her for a few minutes last night though. Never.

Tonight I am just so emotionally drained. I am not hungry at all, but I know I have to eat. I am so, so tired I feel as of I could sleep for days. If I did not have my kiddo to get up for in the mornings, I don't think I could do it. I can feel the darkness getting it's grips on me more and more. I have to stay strong and fight it, but it's hard. I don't know if I am going to be able to win.

I am so greatful for my hubby right now. I may snap at him and get upset, but he has been great during the last few days. He has been here for me, and I know if I let him, he will continue to be. It's just hard becuase I was always taught that you deal with your emotions yourself and never bother anyone else with them. You hold your feelings in and deal with it. (I was NOT taught that by my Granny, mind you.) I just seem to push him away instead of let him in to help me. I have to stop doing that.

Luckily, my kiddo seems to be taking this all as well as a four year old can be expected to take it. I am positive that she understands that Granny will not be back. She knows she has gone to heaven to be with Pappy and that she is no longer sick. It is good that childhood innocence lets her not be as hurt by these losses as we adults can be.

I feel so badly for Aunt Z since she has been Granny and Pappy's caretaker for the past 10 years. Only the last three or so has it actually been a "caretaker" position, other then just driving them to the doctor and things. She has taken such good care of them. Since we lost Pappy in April, Granny went down pretty quickly. Aunt Z did eveyrthing physically possible to make her comfortable and happy. Granny could be stubborn, and a bit mean, but I know that the mean part was just because she did feel so awful. There has got to be a special place in heaven waiting on my Aunt Z. There just has to be! She is simply an angel here on earth. Now, with both Granny and Pappy gone, I have no idea what she is going to do. I don't think that part has sunk in yet becuase she's had someone with her at home since Granny passed. She hasn't truly been alone.

We are all in for big changes. Are we ready?

The day is looming

Well, the day of the funeral is looming closer. I am starting to dread it more and more. I don't want to say the final goodbye yet. I'm not ready. I guess I never would be. I am not sure it has sunk in yet that she is truly gone.

Tonight I did a crafty project for the memory table. When Granny began hospice they provided my aunt with an information package that included a little book with a lot of great information in it. Also included in that booklet was a writing by Henry Van Dyke explaining death. My aunt took a couple of paragraphs from it and is going to use that in the little memory card thing that you get at funerals. She also wanted it framed, so she asked me to "make it pretty." I am really happy with the way it turned out.

Last night my aunt and I went to our Stampin' Up club. It really helped to get our minds off of things for a couple of hours. Since mama and my other aunt is in town, they attended with us. I think they had a good time as well.

Yesterday I had to take my daughter to the doctor. We thought she had strep throat, but luckily she doesn't. She has a viral infection. No meds were prescribed, so she is just to fight it off with Mortrin. She seems to be getting better already, so hopefully we won't have a relapse. I guess I will go ahead and send her to school tomorrow since she doesn't have a fever. I need the time to get ready for the viewing anyway.

Kiddo did a drawing for Granny and took it to her this past Saturday. We have decided it will make the trip to heaven with her. When Pappy died I wrote him a letter and put kiddos picture in it and sent that to heaven with him. I am going to write Granny a letter as well. I've been trying to write it in my head for a couple of days now and there is just too much to say. I don't even know where to begin! Hopefully her letter will come to me Friday morning as easily as Pappy's did the morning of his funeral. My aunts told me that when Granny passed she had Daniella's picture on her chest.

I can barely keep my eyes open tonight. Maybe sleep will come easily.

Long days ahead

Today has been a long day. I can only see the days ahead get longer. I didn't sleep well last night due to strange dreams, stress, and then my daughter wakes up sometime in the night with a sore throat and an awful cough. Also, today was the day to set the funeral arrangements, pick the casket, music, flowers, etc. It has been so hard.

We have decided to wait until Friday to bury my Granny. I feel awful about that decision, but what can you do? My aunt's family in IN doesn't want their kids to have to miss much school. Also, one of them has a standing eye appointment each Thursday and they don't want him to miss that. Um, hello! Our beloved Granny has just died and your worried about school and an eye appointment? Are you fucking kidding me?! I am about to spit nails. However, what is worse is that if the funeral were going to be before Friday, they wouldn't bring their kids at all. Talk about whacked out priorities. They are willing to let their kids miss a week of school for a mission trip, but not more then a day and a half for a death. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for doing the Lord's work in missions, if that is your thing, but geez. I would think our Granny deserves more then a day and a half of your time!

So, it's going to be a week of long days. I'm so lucky I got to see her at the hospital yesterday right after she passed. I got to hold her hand. She was still so warm and soft. It was truly like she were just sleeping. Today I saw her again at the back room of the funeral home where they prepare the bodies. She has been embalmed, but hasn't had her hair or makeup done. She still looks so peaceful though. I am still just waiting for her to open her eyes and talk to me. What I would give for one last time.

This past week after I dropped kiddo off for her Mother's Day Out school on Tuesday I came home and let the dogs out and then decided I would go back in town and sit with Granny for a while. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it because Tuesdays are usually the days I come home and bathe my dogs, clean my house, etc. However, not then. Something told me to go back in town and just sit with her for a while. I'm so, so glad I did. We finished watching Rachel Ray. Talked about the pork chop dinner she was making. Then we watched The Price Is Right and discussed the way they blow up their prices on that show. Her hospice nurse stopped by then and checked her out. She told my aunt she was possibly getting dehydrated and to try and get her to drink more. I don't think she ever could get her to drink more since we ended up in the hospital on Thursday. After the nurse left I started to watch Y&R with her and then I left. If I had only known I wouldn't have left. I would have said, "Screw housework. I need to spend this last day with just me and Granny." However, I'm so glad I had the time I did.

For the past few months she has seemingly been so sad. My aunt has to work all day and then two nights a week she does a radio show. She was so lonely. I, of course, have a busy life with my hubby and kiddo. She would be at home alone so much. No one to talk to. Only the TV for company. I did see her every Thursday, and usually a couple more days then that. Especially during the summer when kiddo was out of Tuesday/Thursday School. However, no matter how busy my life, I should have made more time. It seems the only way I learn is the hard way that you can never go back and change.

I just hope I have the strength to keep going and not fall apart. My kiddo needs me and my Granny wouldn't want me to do that. However, I really do feel myself teetering on the edge. Friday is going to be my big test. I think I'm going to fail.

Rest, sweet Granny

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

"Go Rest High On That Mountain" ~ Vince Gill

I lost one of my dearest friends today. My precious Granny. I cannot believe it has happened. My heart is completely broken and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so lost. She has been sick for so long. I don't wish her back in the shape she was in, but I would give anything for one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

Yesterday we took my daughter to see her in the hospital. During that time was the most she had opened her eyes and spoken in two days. She watched my daughter play around her room in childhood innocence. She smiled. The first time I've seen her smile in quite some time. I know, without a doubt, for a long time she has been living simply for my daughter.

I was on my way to visit her today when she passed. I will never forgive myself for not getting there sooner. Just 30 minutes sooner and I could have been with her as she passed. Maybe it was better for her that I wasn't there. I was her only granddaughter and she devoted herself to me for so long. Maybe my being there would have made it harder for her to go. Maybe I give myself too much credit.

My aunts say that today she never opened her eyes or spoke. They held her hands and she did squeeze Aunt Paula's hand, so I am sure she knew she wasn't alone. She deserves this peaceful rest so much. Her last couple of years of life have not been the best. I am sure Pappy was there waiting for her when she passed.

Now comes the very hard part of living without her. How am I going to do it?

Granny

My precious Granny. She has congestive heart failure and has had a rough past two years. My Pappy died last April. He was in the midst of Alzheimers and going down fast. My Granny couldn't accept it and was in a state of shock when we lost him so quickly. Now, she is fighting her own battle to live. Her heart doctor, as wonderful as he is, has been unable to keep her fluid levels under control for a long time now. She was in the hospital about every month to get fluid drawn off of her up until maybe six months ago. He suggested she go into a hospice program so they could do more for her at home. She finally accepted since she had really began to hate going to the hospital. However, her body is now shutting down. She is currently in the hospice wing of a major hospital here in Nashville clinging to life.

My Granny is my rock. What am I going to do without her? She, my Pappy, and my aunt practically raised my brother and I because my mom has "issues." I hate the fact that we are on "death watch" now. With my Pappy I guess you could say it was easier because he just passed suddenly. With Granny, they have informed us she is dying, but of course no one can say how long she has. I panic every day. Will today be the today? Will this minute be the minute I lose her? It is horrible! Granny is fighting with all she has to live, but it would be so much easier on her if she would just accept it and go. Not that I want her to pass. To be selfish, quite the contrary. However, her quailty of life is no longer good. She is in pain all the time. She can barely walk. She cannot eat and can barely drink. She hardly ever has to potty. She has began refusing her meds now. She has been getting dementia in the past few months and now it's very apparent. She knows us, but cannot remember much else.

My heart hurts and I have a sick feeling in my gut. Every day is a struggle for me because I know I am about to lose one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. I just want to constantly sleep and pretend it's not happening. However, even in sleep I'm still dreaming of her. I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope of depression. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, for me, for my daughter if I can't hold it together. My husband is good, but he just doesn't understand feelings like I'm having because he's not close to hardly any of his family.

What am I going to do?