It's done

I cannot believe this day has come and gone. My Granny is now completely gone. I will never get to see her physical body again. Never get to give her hugs, give her a kiss, or just sit with her again. What in the world am I going to do without her? I am hurting so badly. I hurt when I lost Pappy, no question, but Granny and I had such a deep bond. I feel like the biggest part of me is gone and all that is left is a gaping hole.

I was so hurt by the two of my cousins that came from IN for the funeral. We postponed the funeral for five days so they could get here and see her and then we would have the funeral. They were too worried about their kids missing school. Grrr. Major issue for me, but whatever. Well, we had visitation last night until 9 p.m. They arrived here between 8:30 and 9, but decided not to come and view the body last night. They just got their families to the hotel and that was that. To me, that showed so much disrespect to Granny. We waited for five flipping day to bury her and you can't come that night and view the body for five minutes?! Are you kidding me?! I guess I should be greatful they showed up for the funeral, but good grief. I have to say that I was so pissed when I got the the funeral home this morning I had no intention on speaking to them. However, as the time got closer to the funeral time I had no fight in me. I just spoke if spoken to, but that was about it. I will never forget though that they couldn't be bothered to come and see her for a few minutes last night though. Never.

Tonight I am just so emotionally drained. I am not hungry at all, but I know I have to eat. I am so, so tired I feel as of I could sleep for days. If I did not have my kiddo to get up for in the mornings, I don't think I could do it. I can feel the darkness getting it's grips on me more and more. I have to stay strong and fight it, but it's hard. I don't know if I am going to be able to win.

I am so greatful for my hubby right now. I may snap at him and get upset, but he has been great during the last few days. He has been here for me, and I know if I let him, he will continue to be. It's just hard becuase I was always taught that you deal with your emotions yourself and never bother anyone else with them. You hold your feelings in and deal with it. (I was NOT taught that by my Granny, mind you.) I just seem to push him away instead of let him in to help me. I have to stop doing that.

Luckily, my kiddo seems to be taking this all as well as a four year old can be expected to take it. I am positive that she understands that Granny will not be back. She knows she has gone to heaven to be with Pappy and that she is no longer sick. It is good that childhood innocence lets her not be as hurt by these losses as we adults can be.

I feel so badly for Aunt Z since she has been Granny and Pappy's caretaker for the past 10 years. Only the last three or so has it actually been a "caretaker" position, other then just driving them to the doctor and things. She has taken such good care of them. Since we lost Pappy in April, Granny went down pretty quickly. Aunt Z did eveyrthing physically possible to make her comfortable and happy. Granny could be stubborn, and a bit mean, but I know that the mean part was just because she did feel so awful. There has got to be a special place in heaven waiting on my Aunt Z. There just has to be! She is simply an angel here on earth. Now, with both Granny and Pappy gone, I have no idea what she is going to do. I don't think that part has sunk in yet becuase she's had someone with her at home since Granny passed. She hasn't truly been alone.

We are all in for big changes. Are we ready?