It's done

I cannot believe this day has come and gone. My Granny is now completely gone. I will never get to see her physical body again. Never get to give her hugs, give her a kiss, or just sit with her again. What in the world am I going to do without her? I am hurting so badly. I hurt when I lost Pappy, no question, but Granny and I had such a deep bond. I feel like the biggest part of me is gone and all that is left is a gaping hole.

I was so hurt by the two of my cousins that came from IN for the funeral. We postponed the funeral for five days so they could get here and see her and then we would have the funeral. They were too worried about their kids missing school. Grrr. Major issue for me, but whatever. Well, we had visitation last night until 9 p.m. They arrived here between 8:30 and 9, but decided not to come and view the body last night. They just got their families to the hotel and that was that. To me, that showed so much disrespect to Granny. We waited for five flipping day to bury her and you can't come that night and view the body for five minutes?! Are you kidding me?! I guess I should be greatful they showed up for the funeral, but good grief. I have to say that I was so pissed when I got the the funeral home this morning I had no intention on speaking to them. However, as the time got closer to the funeral time I had no fight in me. I just spoke if spoken to, but that was about it. I will never forget though that they couldn't be bothered to come and see her for a few minutes last night though. Never.

Tonight I am just so emotionally drained. I am not hungry at all, but I know I have to eat. I am so, so tired I feel as of I could sleep for days. If I did not have my kiddo to get up for in the mornings, I don't think I could do it. I can feel the darkness getting it's grips on me more and more. I have to stay strong and fight it, but it's hard. I don't know if I am going to be able to win.

I am so greatful for my hubby right now. I may snap at him and get upset, but he has been great during the last few days. He has been here for me, and I know if I let him, he will continue to be. It's just hard becuase I was always taught that you deal with your emotions yourself and never bother anyone else with them. You hold your feelings in and deal with it. (I was NOT taught that by my Granny, mind you.) I just seem to push him away instead of let him in to help me. I have to stop doing that.

Luckily, my kiddo seems to be taking this all as well as a four year old can be expected to take it. I am positive that she understands that Granny will not be back. She knows she has gone to heaven to be with Pappy and that she is no longer sick. It is good that childhood innocence lets her not be as hurt by these losses as we adults can be.

I feel so badly for Aunt Z since she has been Granny and Pappy's caretaker for the past 10 years. Only the last three or so has it actually been a "caretaker" position, other then just driving them to the doctor and things. She has taken such good care of them. Since we lost Pappy in April, Granny went down pretty quickly. Aunt Z did eveyrthing physically possible to make her comfortable and happy. Granny could be stubborn, and a bit mean, but I know that the mean part was just because she did feel so awful. There has got to be a special place in heaven waiting on my Aunt Z. There just has to be! She is simply an angel here on earth. Now, with both Granny and Pappy gone, I have no idea what she is going to do. I don't think that part has sunk in yet becuase she's had someone with her at home since Granny passed. She hasn't truly been alone.

We are all in for big changes. Are we ready?

Granny

My precious Granny. She has congestive heart failure and has had a rough past two years. My Pappy died last April. He was in the midst of Alzheimers and going down fast. My Granny couldn't accept it and was in a state of shock when we lost him so quickly. Now, she is fighting her own battle to live. Her heart doctor, as wonderful as he is, has been unable to keep her fluid levels under control for a long time now. She was in the hospital about every month to get fluid drawn off of her up until maybe six months ago. He suggested she go into a hospice program so they could do more for her at home. She finally accepted since she had really began to hate going to the hospital. However, her body is now shutting down. She is currently in the hospice wing of a major hospital here in Nashville clinging to life.

My Granny is my rock. What am I going to do without her? She, my Pappy, and my aunt practically raised my brother and I because my mom has "issues." I hate the fact that we are on "death watch" now. With my Pappy I guess you could say it was easier because he just passed suddenly. With Granny, they have informed us she is dying, but of course no one can say how long she has. I panic every day. Will today be the today? Will this minute be the minute I lose her? It is horrible! Granny is fighting with all she has to live, but it would be so much easier on her if she would just accept it and go. Not that I want her to pass. To be selfish, quite the contrary. However, her quailty of life is no longer good. She is in pain all the time. She can barely walk. She cannot eat and can barely drink. She hardly ever has to potty. She has began refusing her meds now. She has been getting dementia in the past few months and now it's very apparent. She knows us, but cannot remember much else.

My heart hurts and I have a sick feeling in my gut. Every day is a struggle for me because I know I am about to lose one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. I just want to constantly sleep and pretend it's not happening. However, even in sleep I'm still dreaming of her. I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope of depression. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, for me, for my daughter if I can't hold it together. My husband is good, but he just doesn't understand feelings like I'm having because he's not close to hardly any of his family.

What am I going to do?