What a day

Thursday is my normal day to clean my Aunt Z's house. She shared a house with my Granny and Pappy. Today was the first time we've been back in the "normal" routine since Granny passed. It was awful. I walked into the house and it was so empty. I was expecting to see Granny when I walked in the back door sitting in her chair, like normal. Just two Thursdays ago (the last time I cleaned), she was there. Now, nothing. I was used to having her there for short conversations between tasks, but it was just silent. When 11:30 rolled around and it was time for Y&R, I expected the TV to be blasting with the latest story of Genoa City. Instead, it was silent. When she would blast the TV, I would sometimes be annoyed. Today I would have given anything to hear the TV at a level you could hear on the moon and have her sitting there half asleep.

I don't know how I am ever going to accept the fact that I can no longer see her. Hear her voice. I talk to her all the time, but of course it's not the same. I know it's selfish to want her back, and I don't want her back in the condition she was in. However, I would love to have her back as the Granny from my childhood. I was the apple of her eye. To her, I hung the moon. I'll never have that with anyone else. I wouldn't want it with anyone else.

They say time is a healer. I can't imagine that is going to be the case with me.

She has no ears and more random thoughts

~Just exactly when do children grow ears? I am beginning to think that when God was handing out ears my daughter missed the memo. She is only four and apparently this gets worse the older she will get. I repeat myself until I am blue in the face and it does no good. I say the same things day in and day out. I need to just record myself and put it on a constant loop. It would be about as affective. Please, someone, tell me there is hope.

~Yesterday I went to see "Revolutionary Road." I absolutely adore Leo DiCaprio and I loved him and Kate Winslet together in "Titanic." They were just as good together in this movie, but I wasn't all that crazy about the movie itself.

~Can't wait to put kiddo to bed and watch "Real Housewives of Orange County." I am shamelessly addicted to this show.

~I need to catch up on my DVR'd episodes of "American Idol." I'm missing the best part of the whole show, the auditions!

~In less then a month I will be 30 years old. How is that even possible? Where did the last 30 years go? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting in high school wishing I were anywhere but there. Now, sometimes, I would give almost anything to be back there and not realize what "real life" is like.

~Yesterday was Granny and Pappy's 63rd wedding anniversary. They were together for their anniversary last year, then Pappy died, and now Granny is with him so they never missed an anniversary together.

~I fixed some damn good chili for dinner tonight. I am going to pay for it later with heartburn. Good times.

The day is looming

Well, the day of the funeral is looming closer. I am starting to dread it more and more. I don't want to say the final goodbye yet. I'm not ready. I guess I never would be. I am not sure it has sunk in yet that she is truly gone.

Tonight I did a crafty project for the memory table. When Granny began hospice they provided my aunt with an information package that included a little book with a lot of great information in it. Also included in that booklet was a writing by Henry Van Dyke explaining death. My aunt took a couple of paragraphs from it and is going to use that in the little memory card thing that you get at funerals. She also wanted it framed, so she asked me to "make it pretty." I am really happy with the way it turned out.

Last night my aunt and I went to our Stampin' Up club. It really helped to get our minds off of things for a couple of hours. Since mama and my other aunt is in town, they attended with us. I think they had a good time as well.

Yesterday I had to take my daughter to the doctor. We thought she had strep throat, but luckily she doesn't. She has a viral infection. No meds were prescribed, so she is just to fight it off with Mortrin. She seems to be getting better already, so hopefully we won't have a relapse. I guess I will go ahead and send her to school tomorrow since she doesn't have a fever. I need the time to get ready for the viewing anyway.

Kiddo did a drawing for Granny and took it to her this past Saturday. We have decided it will make the trip to heaven with her. When Pappy died I wrote him a letter and put kiddos picture in it and sent that to heaven with him. I am going to write Granny a letter as well. I've been trying to write it in my head for a couple of days now and there is just too much to say. I don't even know where to begin! Hopefully her letter will come to me Friday morning as easily as Pappy's did the morning of his funeral. My aunts told me that when Granny passed she had Daniella's picture on her chest.

I can barely keep my eyes open tonight. Maybe sleep will come easily.

Rest, sweet Granny

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

"Go Rest High On That Mountain" ~ Vince Gill

I lost one of my dearest friends today. My precious Granny. I cannot believe it has happened. My heart is completely broken and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so lost. She has been sick for so long. I don't wish her back in the shape she was in, but I would give anything for one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

Yesterday we took my daughter to see her in the hospital. During that time was the most she had opened her eyes and spoken in two days. She watched my daughter play around her room in childhood innocence. She smiled. The first time I've seen her smile in quite some time. I know, without a doubt, for a long time she has been living simply for my daughter.

I was on my way to visit her today when she passed. I will never forgive myself for not getting there sooner. Just 30 minutes sooner and I could have been with her as she passed. Maybe it was better for her that I wasn't there. I was her only granddaughter and she devoted herself to me for so long. Maybe my being there would have made it harder for her to go. Maybe I give myself too much credit.

My aunts say that today she never opened her eyes or spoke. They held her hands and she did squeeze Aunt Paula's hand, so I am sure she knew she wasn't alone. She deserves this peaceful rest so much. Her last couple of years of life have not been the best. I am sure Pappy was there waiting for her when she passed.

Now comes the very hard part of living without her. How am I going to do it?

Granny

My precious Granny. She has congestive heart failure and has had a rough past two years. My Pappy died last April. He was in the midst of Alzheimers and going down fast. My Granny couldn't accept it and was in a state of shock when we lost him so quickly. Now, she is fighting her own battle to live. Her heart doctor, as wonderful as he is, has been unable to keep her fluid levels under control for a long time now. She was in the hospital about every month to get fluid drawn off of her up until maybe six months ago. He suggested she go into a hospice program so they could do more for her at home. She finally accepted since she had really began to hate going to the hospital. However, her body is now shutting down. She is currently in the hospice wing of a major hospital here in Nashville clinging to life.

My Granny is my rock. What am I going to do without her? She, my Pappy, and my aunt practically raised my brother and I because my mom has "issues." I hate the fact that we are on "death watch" now. With my Pappy I guess you could say it was easier because he just passed suddenly. With Granny, they have informed us she is dying, but of course no one can say how long she has. I panic every day. Will today be the today? Will this minute be the minute I lose her? It is horrible! Granny is fighting with all she has to live, but it would be so much easier on her if she would just accept it and go. Not that I want her to pass. To be selfish, quite the contrary. However, her quailty of life is no longer good. She is in pain all the time. She can barely walk. She cannot eat and can barely drink. She hardly ever has to potty. She has began refusing her meds now. She has been getting dementia in the past few months and now it's very apparent. She knows us, but cannot remember much else.

My heart hurts and I have a sick feeling in my gut. Every day is a struggle for me because I know I am about to lose one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. I just want to constantly sleep and pretend it's not happening. However, even in sleep I'm still dreaming of her. I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope of depression. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, for me, for my daughter if I can't hold it together. My husband is good, but he just doesn't understand feelings like I'm having because he's not close to hardly any of his family.

What am I going to do?