Long days ahead

Today has been a long day. I can only see the days ahead get longer. I didn't sleep well last night due to strange dreams, stress, and then my daughter wakes up sometime in the night with a sore throat and an awful cough. Also, today was the day to set the funeral arrangements, pick the casket, music, flowers, etc. It has been so hard.

We have decided to wait until Friday to bury my Granny. I feel awful about that decision, but what can you do? My aunt's family in IN doesn't want their kids to have to miss much school. Also, one of them has a standing eye appointment each Thursday and they don't want him to miss that. Um, hello! Our beloved Granny has just died and your worried about school and an eye appointment? Are you fucking kidding me?! I am about to spit nails. However, what is worse is that if the funeral were going to be before Friday, they wouldn't bring their kids at all. Talk about whacked out priorities. They are willing to let their kids miss a week of school for a mission trip, but not more then a day and a half for a death. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for doing the Lord's work in missions, if that is your thing, but geez. I would think our Granny deserves more then a day and a half of your time!

So, it's going to be a week of long days. I'm so lucky I got to see her at the hospital yesterday right after she passed. I got to hold her hand. She was still so warm and soft. It was truly like she were just sleeping. Today I saw her again at the back room of the funeral home where they prepare the bodies. She has been embalmed, but hasn't had her hair or makeup done. She still looks so peaceful though. I am still just waiting for her to open her eyes and talk to me. What I would give for one last time.

This past week after I dropped kiddo off for her Mother's Day Out school on Tuesday I came home and let the dogs out and then decided I would go back in town and sit with Granny for a while. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it because Tuesdays are usually the days I come home and bathe my dogs, clean my house, etc. However, not then. Something told me to go back in town and just sit with her for a while. I'm so, so glad I did. We finished watching Rachel Ray. Talked about the pork chop dinner she was making. Then we watched The Price Is Right and discussed the way they blow up their prices on that show. Her hospice nurse stopped by then and checked her out. She told my aunt she was possibly getting dehydrated and to try and get her to drink more. I don't think she ever could get her to drink more since we ended up in the hospital on Thursday. After the nurse left I started to watch Y&R with her and then I left. If I had only known I wouldn't have left. I would have said, "Screw housework. I need to spend this last day with just me and Granny." However, I'm so glad I had the time I did.

For the past few months she has seemingly been so sad. My aunt has to work all day and then two nights a week she does a radio show. She was so lonely. I, of course, have a busy life with my hubby and kiddo. She would be at home alone so much. No one to talk to. Only the TV for company. I did see her every Thursday, and usually a couple more days then that. Especially during the summer when kiddo was out of Tuesday/Thursday School. However, no matter how busy my life, I should have made more time. It seems the only way I learn is the hard way that you can never go back and change.

I just hope I have the strength to keep going and not fall apart. My kiddo needs me and my Granny wouldn't want me to do that. However, I really do feel myself teetering on the edge. Friday is going to be my big test. I think I'm going to fail.

Rest, sweet Granny

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

"Go Rest High On That Mountain" ~ Vince Gill

I lost one of my dearest friends today. My precious Granny. I cannot believe it has happened. My heart is completely broken and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so lost. She has been sick for so long. I don't wish her back in the shape she was in, but I would give anything for one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

Yesterday we took my daughter to see her in the hospital. During that time was the most she had opened her eyes and spoken in two days. She watched my daughter play around her room in childhood innocence. She smiled. The first time I've seen her smile in quite some time. I know, without a doubt, for a long time she has been living simply for my daughter.

I was on my way to visit her today when she passed. I will never forgive myself for not getting there sooner. Just 30 minutes sooner and I could have been with her as she passed. Maybe it was better for her that I wasn't there. I was her only granddaughter and she devoted herself to me for so long. Maybe my being there would have made it harder for her to go. Maybe I give myself too much credit.

My aunts say that today she never opened her eyes or spoke. They held her hands and she did squeeze Aunt Paula's hand, so I am sure she knew she wasn't alone. She deserves this peaceful rest so much. Her last couple of years of life have not been the best. I am sure Pappy was there waiting for her when she passed.

Now comes the very hard part of living without her. How am I going to do it?