Twilight and NKOTB

I have finally made the plunge. I have jumped onto the "Twilight" bandwagon! Better late then never, I guess. I must say, I am only a few pages into it and I'm not impressed yet. In fact, a little disappointed. I hope it picks up soon. I try to give a book a good five chapters before I give up. We shall see.

While I'm in teeny bopper land, I might as well admit that I'm so excited because New Kids is coming to Nashville in March and the tickets went on sale today! I so want to go. I mean, bad. Yes, it makes me sound like a total loser I'm sure. I don't care though. I am turning 30 in less then a month and I need to feel young. LOL

Maybe I should tell hubby I want the rest of the "Twilight" series and New Kids tickets for my birthday. Hhhmmm.....

What a day

Thursday is my normal day to clean my Aunt Z's house. She shared a house with my Granny and Pappy. Today was the first time we've been back in the "normal" routine since Granny passed. It was awful. I walked into the house and it was so empty. I was expecting to see Granny when I walked in the back door sitting in her chair, like normal. Just two Thursdays ago (the last time I cleaned), she was there. Now, nothing. I was used to having her there for short conversations between tasks, but it was just silent. When 11:30 rolled around and it was time for Y&R, I expected the TV to be blasting with the latest story of Genoa City. Instead, it was silent. When she would blast the TV, I would sometimes be annoyed. Today I would have given anything to hear the TV at a level you could hear on the moon and have her sitting there half asleep.

I don't know how I am ever going to accept the fact that I can no longer see her. Hear her voice. I talk to her all the time, but of course it's not the same. I know it's selfish to want her back, and I don't want her back in the condition she was in. However, I would love to have her back as the Granny from my childhood. I was the apple of her eye. To her, I hung the moon. I'll never have that with anyone else. I wouldn't want it with anyone else.

They say time is a healer. I can't imagine that is going to be the case with me.

She has no ears and more random thoughts

~Just exactly when do children grow ears? I am beginning to think that when God was handing out ears my daughter missed the memo. She is only four and apparently this gets worse the older she will get. I repeat myself until I am blue in the face and it does no good. I say the same things day in and day out. I need to just record myself and put it on a constant loop. It would be about as affective. Please, someone, tell me there is hope.

~Yesterday I went to see "Revolutionary Road." I absolutely adore Leo DiCaprio and I loved him and Kate Winslet together in "Titanic." They were just as good together in this movie, but I wasn't all that crazy about the movie itself.

~Can't wait to put kiddo to bed and watch "Real Housewives of Orange County." I am shamelessly addicted to this show.

~I need to catch up on my DVR'd episodes of "American Idol." I'm missing the best part of the whole show, the auditions!

~In less then a month I will be 30 years old. How is that even possible? Where did the last 30 years go? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting in high school wishing I were anywhere but there. Now, sometimes, I would give almost anything to be back there and not realize what "real life" is like.

~Yesterday was Granny and Pappy's 63rd wedding anniversary. They were together for their anniversary last year, then Pappy died, and now Granny is with him so they never missed an anniversary together.

~I fixed some damn good chili for dinner tonight. I am going to pay for it later with heartburn. Good times.

Random thoughts

~It has now been officially a week since I lost my Granny. It has all been a blur. I have no idea where the time went. All last week it was so cold and snowy, except for Friday. The day of the funeral it warmed up to almost 60 and the sun was shinning so brightly. I tend to believe that was just for Granny. She loved the sunshine so much and craved warmth. She was so cold for the last few months of her life. Never could get warm.

~I really wish I could make some sense on my thoughts/beliefs of the hereafter. I was raised to believe in Jesus, God, heaven, hell and the whole lot. As I have gotten older I have questioned more and more. I am now married to a devout Atheist (if there is such a thing as a devout Atheist) and he has shed more light on other possibilities. Since losing so many people in the last nine months I really want to believe there is more out there then just living and then laying in the ground for eternity, but I don't know. My Granny was very religious and did not even question the fact there is a God. I would give anything for that type of faith. She wanted me to have that type of faith, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why. I guess because religion leaves so many holes and no answers. If there isn't an answer to a question, you are just supposed to leave it to "faith."

~I have now been out of my "mood" meds for over two weeks and the effects are showing. I have been so bitchy to everyone. Add to that the events of the last week, and I'm about to snap. I am going to get them refilled tomorrow and luckily I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, so I am going to talk with him about the situation and how I've been feeling. I sure hope he can help.

~My mom went back to MA today. My Aunt P left for her home in IN yesterday. Tonight is Aunt Z's first night alone in her house in years. She has selflessly taken care of my grandparents for the last ten years and I'm not sure she remembers how to live life for herself. I worry about her being there by herself. Not because I think she can't take care of herself, just because of the sudden change.

~Hubs dad and step-mom sent me a lovely sympathy card after losing my Granny. I just adore his dad and step-mom, but the rest of his family is awful. (Even he will admit to that.) His grandparents sent me such a hurtful email when I let them know my Granny had passed on. I hope he will take up for me and answer them, but I'm not coutning on it.

~Tomorrow I have to go to Aunt Z's and pick up the stuff I want of Granny's. Well, some of it. Basically just a floral arrangement from the funeral, a couple of pictures, and things of that nature. Anything else I'll leave for now. I just can't bring myself to get other things and let the finality of it hit me.

I think I should be worried

This evening I went out shopping with my kiddo, mom, and Aunt Z. We went through the craft store and I oogled everything that was in the scrapbook and jewelry section, of course. I even made a few purchases I'm very excited about and can't wait to use! Anyway, as we are leaving kiddo spies "the breadstick place" (a.k.a The Olive Garden, for all of you not in the know) and wants to eat dinner. After a 45 minute wait for a table, we are seated.

Hubs had to work today, so he decided to come and meet us. Kiddo has a special stuffed tiger that she takes everywhere and today she also happened to take her Tender Heart Care Bear with her. She decided to take him in the restaurant with us. As soon as the waiter takes our order, kiddo unrolls her silverware, puts her napkin on the table and proceeds to tell Tender Heart, "You are dead meat" and begins to saw his various body parts. Now, the knife she is using is simply what I call a butter knife, so it is not sharp and not actually cutting anything. However, it was just weird. I have no idea where she would see/hear this kind of thing! I did have to laugh though because there was a little girl sitting across from us who was probably 10 or 11 and she could not stop staring at my kiddo while this was going on. Her eyes were big as saucers! I think she was truly terrified of my little munchkin.

After a really tough week, I needed a good laugh and I got it this evening!

It's done

I cannot believe this day has come and gone. My Granny is now completely gone. I will never get to see her physical body again. Never get to give her hugs, give her a kiss, or just sit with her again. What in the world am I going to do without her? I am hurting so badly. I hurt when I lost Pappy, no question, but Granny and I had such a deep bond. I feel like the biggest part of me is gone and all that is left is a gaping hole.

I was so hurt by the two of my cousins that came from IN for the funeral. We postponed the funeral for five days so they could get here and see her and then we would have the funeral. They were too worried about their kids missing school. Grrr. Major issue for me, but whatever. Well, we had visitation last night until 9 p.m. They arrived here between 8:30 and 9, but decided not to come and view the body last night. They just got their families to the hotel and that was that. To me, that showed so much disrespect to Granny. We waited for five flipping day to bury her and you can't come that night and view the body for five minutes?! Are you kidding me?! I guess I should be greatful they showed up for the funeral, but good grief. I have to say that I was so pissed when I got the the funeral home this morning I had no intention on speaking to them. However, as the time got closer to the funeral time I had no fight in me. I just spoke if spoken to, but that was about it. I will never forget though that they couldn't be bothered to come and see her for a few minutes last night though. Never.

Tonight I am just so emotionally drained. I am not hungry at all, but I know I have to eat. I am so, so tired I feel as of I could sleep for days. If I did not have my kiddo to get up for in the mornings, I don't think I could do it. I can feel the darkness getting it's grips on me more and more. I have to stay strong and fight it, but it's hard. I don't know if I am going to be able to win.

I am so greatful for my hubby right now. I may snap at him and get upset, but he has been great during the last few days. He has been here for me, and I know if I let him, he will continue to be. It's just hard becuase I was always taught that you deal with your emotions yourself and never bother anyone else with them. You hold your feelings in and deal with it. (I was NOT taught that by my Granny, mind you.) I just seem to push him away instead of let him in to help me. I have to stop doing that.

Luckily, my kiddo seems to be taking this all as well as a four year old can be expected to take it. I am positive that she understands that Granny will not be back. She knows she has gone to heaven to be with Pappy and that she is no longer sick. It is good that childhood innocence lets her not be as hurt by these losses as we adults can be.

I feel so badly for Aunt Z since she has been Granny and Pappy's caretaker for the past 10 years. Only the last three or so has it actually been a "caretaker" position, other then just driving them to the doctor and things. She has taken such good care of them. Since we lost Pappy in April, Granny went down pretty quickly. Aunt Z did eveyrthing physically possible to make her comfortable and happy. Granny could be stubborn, and a bit mean, but I know that the mean part was just because she did feel so awful. There has got to be a special place in heaven waiting on my Aunt Z. There just has to be! She is simply an angel here on earth. Now, with both Granny and Pappy gone, I have no idea what she is going to do. I don't think that part has sunk in yet becuase she's had someone with her at home since Granny passed. She hasn't truly been alone.

We are all in for big changes. Are we ready?

The day is looming

Well, the day of the funeral is looming closer. I am starting to dread it more and more. I don't want to say the final goodbye yet. I'm not ready. I guess I never would be. I am not sure it has sunk in yet that she is truly gone.

Tonight I did a crafty project for the memory table. When Granny began hospice they provided my aunt with an information package that included a little book with a lot of great information in it. Also included in that booklet was a writing by Henry Van Dyke explaining death. My aunt took a couple of paragraphs from it and is going to use that in the little memory card thing that you get at funerals. She also wanted it framed, so she asked me to "make it pretty." I am really happy with the way it turned out.

Last night my aunt and I went to our Stampin' Up club. It really helped to get our minds off of things for a couple of hours. Since mama and my other aunt is in town, they attended with us. I think they had a good time as well.

Yesterday I had to take my daughter to the doctor. We thought she had strep throat, but luckily she doesn't. She has a viral infection. No meds were prescribed, so she is just to fight it off with Mortrin. She seems to be getting better already, so hopefully we won't have a relapse. I guess I will go ahead and send her to school tomorrow since she doesn't have a fever. I need the time to get ready for the viewing anyway.

Kiddo did a drawing for Granny and took it to her this past Saturday. We have decided it will make the trip to heaven with her. When Pappy died I wrote him a letter and put kiddos picture in it and sent that to heaven with him. I am going to write Granny a letter as well. I've been trying to write it in my head for a couple of days now and there is just too much to say. I don't even know where to begin! Hopefully her letter will come to me Friday morning as easily as Pappy's did the morning of his funeral. My aunts told me that when Granny passed she had Daniella's picture on her chest.

I can barely keep my eyes open tonight. Maybe sleep will come easily.

Long days ahead

Today has been a long day. I can only see the days ahead get longer. I didn't sleep well last night due to strange dreams, stress, and then my daughter wakes up sometime in the night with a sore throat and an awful cough. Also, today was the day to set the funeral arrangements, pick the casket, music, flowers, etc. It has been so hard.

We have decided to wait until Friday to bury my Granny. I feel awful about that decision, but what can you do? My aunt's family in IN doesn't want their kids to have to miss much school. Also, one of them has a standing eye appointment each Thursday and they don't want him to miss that. Um, hello! Our beloved Granny has just died and your worried about school and an eye appointment? Are you fucking kidding me?! I am about to spit nails. However, what is worse is that if the funeral were going to be before Friday, they wouldn't bring their kids at all. Talk about whacked out priorities. They are willing to let their kids miss a week of school for a mission trip, but not more then a day and a half for a death. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for doing the Lord's work in missions, if that is your thing, but geez. I would think our Granny deserves more then a day and a half of your time!

So, it's going to be a week of long days. I'm so lucky I got to see her at the hospital yesterday right after she passed. I got to hold her hand. She was still so warm and soft. It was truly like she were just sleeping. Today I saw her again at the back room of the funeral home where they prepare the bodies. She has been embalmed, but hasn't had her hair or makeup done. She still looks so peaceful though. I am still just waiting for her to open her eyes and talk to me. What I would give for one last time.

This past week after I dropped kiddo off for her Mother's Day Out school on Tuesday I came home and let the dogs out and then decided I would go back in town and sit with Granny for a while. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it because Tuesdays are usually the days I come home and bathe my dogs, clean my house, etc. However, not then. Something told me to go back in town and just sit with her for a while. I'm so, so glad I did. We finished watching Rachel Ray. Talked about the pork chop dinner she was making. Then we watched The Price Is Right and discussed the way they blow up their prices on that show. Her hospice nurse stopped by then and checked her out. She told my aunt she was possibly getting dehydrated and to try and get her to drink more. I don't think she ever could get her to drink more since we ended up in the hospital on Thursday. After the nurse left I started to watch Y&R with her and then I left. If I had only known I wouldn't have left. I would have said, "Screw housework. I need to spend this last day with just me and Granny." However, I'm so glad I had the time I did.

For the past few months she has seemingly been so sad. My aunt has to work all day and then two nights a week she does a radio show. She was so lonely. I, of course, have a busy life with my hubby and kiddo. She would be at home alone so much. No one to talk to. Only the TV for company. I did see her every Thursday, and usually a couple more days then that. Especially during the summer when kiddo was out of Tuesday/Thursday School. However, no matter how busy my life, I should have made more time. It seems the only way I learn is the hard way that you can never go back and change.

I just hope I have the strength to keep going and not fall apart. My kiddo needs me and my Granny wouldn't want me to do that. However, I really do feel myself teetering on the edge. Friday is going to be my big test. I think I'm going to fail.

Rest, sweet Granny

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

"Go Rest High On That Mountain" ~ Vince Gill

I lost one of my dearest friends today. My precious Granny. I cannot believe it has happened. My heart is completely broken and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so lost. She has been sick for so long. I don't wish her back in the shape she was in, but I would give anything for one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

Yesterday we took my daughter to see her in the hospital. During that time was the most she had opened her eyes and spoken in two days. She watched my daughter play around her room in childhood innocence. She smiled. The first time I've seen her smile in quite some time. I know, without a doubt, for a long time she has been living simply for my daughter.

I was on my way to visit her today when she passed. I will never forgive myself for not getting there sooner. Just 30 minutes sooner and I could have been with her as she passed. Maybe it was better for her that I wasn't there. I was her only granddaughter and she devoted herself to me for so long. Maybe my being there would have made it harder for her to go. Maybe I give myself too much credit.

My aunts say that today she never opened her eyes or spoke. They held her hands and she did squeeze Aunt Paula's hand, so I am sure she knew she wasn't alone. She deserves this peaceful rest so much. Her last couple of years of life have not been the best. I am sure Pappy was there waiting for her when she passed.

Now comes the very hard part of living without her. How am I going to do it?

Granny

My precious Granny. She has congestive heart failure and has had a rough past two years. My Pappy died last April. He was in the midst of Alzheimers and going down fast. My Granny couldn't accept it and was in a state of shock when we lost him so quickly. Now, she is fighting her own battle to live. Her heart doctor, as wonderful as he is, has been unable to keep her fluid levels under control for a long time now. She was in the hospital about every month to get fluid drawn off of her up until maybe six months ago. He suggested she go into a hospice program so they could do more for her at home. She finally accepted since she had really began to hate going to the hospital. However, her body is now shutting down. She is currently in the hospice wing of a major hospital here in Nashville clinging to life.

My Granny is my rock. What am I going to do without her? She, my Pappy, and my aunt practically raised my brother and I because my mom has "issues." I hate the fact that we are on "death watch" now. With my Pappy I guess you could say it was easier because he just passed suddenly. With Granny, they have informed us she is dying, but of course no one can say how long she has. I panic every day. Will today be the today? Will this minute be the minute I lose her? It is horrible! Granny is fighting with all she has to live, but it would be so much easier on her if she would just accept it and go. Not that I want her to pass. To be selfish, quite the contrary. However, her quailty of life is no longer good. She is in pain all the time. She can barely walk. She cannot eat and can barely drink. She hardly ever has to potty. She has began refusing her meds now. She has been getting dementia in the past few months and now it's very apparent. She knows us, but cannot remember much else.

My heart hurts and I have a sick feeling in my gut. Every day is a struggle for me because I know I am about to lose one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. I just want to constantly sleep and pretend it's not happening. However, even in sleep I'm still dreaming of her. I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope of depression. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, for me, for my daughter if I can't hold it together. My husband is good, but he just doesn't understand feelings like I'm having because he's not close to hardly any of his family.

What am I going to do?