Random thoughts

~It has now been officially a week since I lost my Granny. It has all been a blur. I have no idea where the time went. All last week it was so cold and snowy, except for Friday. The day of the funeral it warmed up to almost 60 and the sun was shinning so brightly. I tend to believe that was just for Granny. She loved the sunshine so much and craved warmth. She was so cold for the last few months of her life. Never could get warm.

~I really wish I could make some sense on my thoughts/beliefs of the hereafter. I was raised to believe in Jesus, God, heaven, hell and the whole lot. As I have gotten older I have questioned more and more. I am now married to a devout Atheist (if there is such a thing as a devout Atheist) and he has shed more light on other possibilities. Since losing so many people in the last nine months I really want to believe there is more out there then just living and then laying in the ground for eternity, but I don't know. My Granny was very religious and did not even question the fact there is a God. I would give anything for that type of faith. She wanted me to have that type of faith, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why. I guess because religion leaves so many holes and no answers. If there isn't an answer to a question, you are just supposed to leave it to "faith."

~I have now been out of my "mood" meds for over two weeks and the effects are showing. I have been so bitchy to everyone. Add to that the events of the last week, and I'm about to snap. I am going to get them refilled tomorrow and luckily I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, so I am going to talk with him about the situation and how I've been feeling. I sure hope he can help.

~My mom went back to MA today. My Aunt P left for her home in IN yesterday. Tonight is Aunt Z's first night alone in her house in years. She has selflessly taken care of my grandparents for the last ten years and I'm not sure she remembers how to live life for herself. I worry about her being there by herself. Not because I think she can't take care of herself, just because of the sudden change.

~Hubs dad and step-mom sent me a lovely sympathy card after losing my Granny. I just adore his dad and step-mom, but the rest of his family is awful. (Even he will admit to that.) His grandparents sent me such a hurtful email when I let them know my Granny had passed on. I hope he will take up for me and answer them, but I'm not coutning on it.

~Tomorrow I have to go to Aunt Z's and pick up the stuff I want of Granny's. Well, some of it. Basically just a floral arrangement from the funeral, a couple of pictures, and things of that nature. Anything else I'll leave for now. I just can't bring myself to get other things and let the finality of it hit me.