Granny

My precious Granny. She has congestive heart failure and has had a rough past two years. My Pappy died last April. He was in the midst of Alzheimers and going down fast. My Granny couldn't accept it and was in a state of shock when we lost him so quickly. Now, she is fighting her own battle to live. Her heart doctor, as wonderful as he is, has been unable to keep her fluid levels under control for a long time now. She was in the hospital about every month to get fluid drawn off of her up until maybe six months ago. He suggested she go into a hospice program so they could do more for her at home. She finally accepted since she had really began to hate going to the hospital. However, her body is now shutting down. She is currently in the hospice wing of a major hospital here in Nashville clinging to life.

My Granny is my rock. What am I going to do without her? She, my Pappy, and my aunt practically raised my brother and I because my mom has "issues." I hate the fact that we are on "death watch" now. With my Pappy I guess you could say it was easier because he just passed suddenly. With Granny, they have informed us she is dying, but of course no one can say how long she has. I panic every day. Will today be the today? Will this minute be the minute I lose her? It is horrible! Granny is fighting with all she has to live, but it would be so much easier on her if she would just accept it and go. Not that I want her to pass. To be selfish, quite the contrary. However, her quailty of life is no longer good. She is in pain all the time. She can barely walk. She cannot eat and can barely drink. She hardly ever has to potty. She has began refusing her meds now. She has been getting dementia in the past few months and now it's very apparent. She knows us, but cannot remember much else.

My heart hurts and I have a sick feeling in my gut. Every day is a struggle for me because I know I am about to lose one of the people I hold dearest in my heart. I just want to constantly sleep and pretend it's not happening. However, even in sleep I'm still dreaming of her. I can feel myself slipping down the slippery slope of depression. I'm scared. I'm scared for her, for me, for my daughter if I can't hold it together. My husband is good, but he just doesn't understand feelings like I'm having because he's not close to hardly any of his family.

What am I going to do?